When a mama's baby turns 10...

Something happens to a mama when her oldest hits double digits. Ten. 10. Happiest of tenth birthdays. My heart has been outside of me for a decade now. My dear sweet Keegan, words cannot even describe my love for you, my pride for you, my hopes for you, my dreams for you. I am not quite sure how it can be that you are now 10. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday, the weeks, months, and years that followed like they were happening right now. The excitement for the future, your future, intertwined with the yearning of the past. How I wish to relive moments and phases, sometimes thinking of the things I wish I had done differently and other times just wanting time to stand still. You, my boy, a mama’s boy through and through, are all I dreamed you would be and so much more. Of course I think you are gorgeous and smart and athletic and kind, but I also am amazed, although not surprised, at how much you are admired and respected by others. Whether it be your peers or your elders, you seem to light up a room and people gravitate towards you. When you have a goal in mind or a task at hand, you put full effort. You are a leader. You have a thirst for knowledge. You have a love of being active. You have a desire to be your best self. You have the best laugh. You have a sense of humor, in that dad-joke kind of way that can only make others smile and chuckle right along with you. You are not afraid of a challenge nor are you afraid of being different. You were born to stand out and to make a difference in this world. I look forward to seeing all the wonderful things you will do as you grow older, but time, please stand still a moment more. This mama just wants to hold on to her baby a bit more.

We may feel like we are sinking and YET WE SWIM

It must be this time of year.  Although the feelings are always there, bubbling around throughout time and over the years.  But, it must be this time of year that they start to bubble over in a way that they have to come out.  To be addressed even if in a hazy, allusive, meandering kind of way. Just last September I wrote a post about the Dichotomy of a Hot Mess Mom.  Today my thoughts have been wondering around the various corridors in my mind, exploring all the feels.

Tonight, as I stood in my kitchen (late again of course) making dinner, I looked around my disheveled house.  I observed the unfinished projects months in the making, the cluttered stacks of "stuff" in places they don't need to be, the pile of files from the office brought home to work on this weekend, the vision board with so many incomplete visions.  I thought about the jabs and critiques of my parenting from those near and dear to me, the struggling, if not failing, friendships I have been trying so hard to not let sink, all the things I just knew I would do with my kids that time has passed by and will never be done.  In an oddly smug way, I thought, dang I really really am a hot mess, but I keep trying and trying.  That's when it hit me though. I KEEP TRYING.

Maybe many others have it so much more together than me, but I have to imagine plenty of us have had the feeling of sinking.  YET WE SWIM.  

As I stood there in my kitchen, I felt moved to share.  Maybe my post will go unread.  Maybe one person will read it and feel a little better.  Maybe someone will smile and say to themselves, YES, I KEEP TRYING and know that we can live life in moments.  We can say, I put one foot in front of the other and I kept going and that is a victory and in spite of it all, I am amazing.  This is for you.  Every last one of you.  You are amazing.  Keep going.  Keep trying.  When we wake up every day and put one foot in front of the other and move forward we are victorious in that moment alone.

I want to be more for these two, but I also know I continue to go on for these two.  They are my why.  Our why can be anything though.  Ourselves, our loved ones, our furry friends.  This world needs us.  All of us.

By the way, earlier today my husband and I talked about creating a vision board, redoing the one that I have.  I think that is a fabulous idea.  In case you didn't realize, I have a bunch of unfinished projects and lists that need to be completed....

2020: The year a virus brought the world to its knees.

2020

What. A. Year.

As I start this post, we’re just about 1/2 way through 2020. But, as I finish it we are now two months later about to start the next school year. That’s how 2020 has been. A year of uncertainty. An emotional roller coaster. A time when you are afraid to commit to any one plan of action or ideology.

2020. A year that started out about “vision” and “hope” and “potential.”

But, that didn’t really last long, did it? It turned into fear and sadness and a “new normal” for many. 

I work full-time. One of the curses of running a small, yet thankfully successful, business is it is so hard to take any substantial time off. Last year and this year we rallied together so that I could take off spring break with my family. My husband works as a dean for our local school district so not only would I be able to spend the week with my kids, but potentially my husband as well (I say potentially, as he was hopefully teaching for a foundation that he often does during breaks, but COVID 19 had plans to nip that in the bud.) or at least be with the kids if he could not.  We were going to go to local museums and such and just enjoy a staycation. Well stay we did. No one really knew that Spring Break 2020 was the beginning of the end of the school year. The Infamous 4th Quarter as I like to call it.

My kids left for spring break and never went back to school to finish their year with their friends and teachers. I did take that one week off, but have been working non stop since. Lay on the mom guilt (again) as my husband and kids stayed “safer at home” while I went to my essential job every day. I am thankful we were able to keep working, no doubt about that. But, I didn’t help my kids much with their schooling or work on much needed house projects or any of that. The first 6 weeks I barely slept. I was falling apart. But then, thankfully, the fear subsided. And the fear was odd in itself... not solely of the virus itself, but of the unknowns and of how a virus could literally bring the world to its knees. Now we live in acute awareness, which is both positive and negative, if that makes sense.

It was also stressful seeing all of the judging on social media. Claws out. And wasn’t two weeks to stop the spread (turning into 10 weeks+) the idea of equipping our healthcare system to deal with the virus? But even now, 5+ months later as Florida works on a path to open back up, people are angry because the virus is still here. But, I thought that was the point a bit? It’s never going to be eradicated, so let’s get ourselves better ready to handle it and by flatten the curve not necessarily lessening the number of cases just spreading them out over time? The goal less death to put it morbidly?  Florida. My family’s beloved home state. Also, the brunt of jokes. Who would want to be a leader in a time like this. I know I would not because there is no clear right way.

My kids stayed home for those 10 weeks and other than my job, my husband and I mainly just went to the store (in our masks I bought about the first week in). But we are guilty (for lack of a better word, as I don’t think we are wrong to to do so, although I know others probably do) in integrating them back into society now.  Caelyn attending her beloved dance camp. Keegan getting to attend tryouts with his soccer team (his soccer family!) the first couple of weeks of June and also starting a 3v3 soccer team for the summer. Still some remnants of social distancing and sanitizing and so on can be seen in these activities that remind you things aren’t truly “normal” yet, but a much needed glimpse of it! I am not sure if these are the right decisions, but for right now I know they are the right decisions for my family and I pray hindsight doesn’t get us. I still work every day and cannot bring my children with me. They were also starting to crack a little too.

I will say there was some good with their extra time at home. Keegan learned to ride his bike. Both kids play with toys a bit more (although we still need to work on screen time). As a family we played more board games and became obsessed with puzzles.  We went blueberry picking. We participated in a couple of Virtual 5Ks. The kids (and us) made better use of our arts and crafts supplies.

I get the fear of the virus and I get the fear of living in a bubble. I have feared both and still fear both. I wish I knew the answer. I do know I am ready for “normal” again, but I’m not sure when that will be and I hope not to regret inching towards it. As the school year is about to start, we are filled with many thoughts.

As everyone is making the decision on what their child/ren's school year will look like and declaring such, I really hope that people keep in mind that it is not a one-size fits all and just because one family chooses something different from your choice, they are not wrong just the same as you are not wrong. They are not less loving as a parent or less protective as a parent or a lesser parent in general. Kindness goes a long way...

Race Relations: Part II

It is very sad, but very true. There is still a lot of racism and racial bias in the USA and the world. The first step is if we (not just you and I, but the collective "we") systemically recognize there is an issue. Many very "good" people that I would not call racist do not want to believe that racism, both individually and systemically, is still so prevalent. I myself have been guilty of wanting to just excuse it as a few bad eggs and "look how far we've come" and so on. But, I have a duty to not only my husband and now even moreso my children, but to all Black people to not turn a blind eye.

It's an important time to educate ourselves and also not be so defensive. The Black Lives Matter movement is not stating other lives, including law enforcement, do not matter, but it is the basic premise that All Lives do NOT Matter IF Black Lives do Not Matter (too). I know many people are talking about the parable of the sheep, but it is because it may help to open our minds as to the reasoning. In Luke Chapter 15, a shepherd leaves his flock of 99 sheep to look for his 1 lost sheep. It's not that the 99 didn't matter, it's that the 1 is in danger.

As uncomfortable as it is, real change cannot happen until white people stand up to racism as well. It is not enough to just not be racist ourselves. This is a hard one for me as a business professional. There have been many times I have sat at a closing table and have had to hear the most hurtful racist comments and just sit and take it in stride. I don't know the answer on how best to combat that. I do have pictures of my family on the front bulletin board to display proudly. Clearly, that in itself, I am sure is not enough, but it is a weary fine line to tread. One more reason so many people feel at the breaking point. (do not get me wrong, my employers and employees are not a part of that mentality, I am blessed to be surrounded by compassionate people every day)

I have witnessed a parent talking to Keegan (and then backtracking) about their slave owner ancestors in a jestful way at the end of soccer practice one night. I painstakingly admit that I just blew it off (and thankfully Keegan didn't seem to actually take in what was being said). Another mom reached out to me who was there as well. She wanted to be sure we were okay and she was horrified and it is one more realization that I myself have been part of the problem, even if I am not a racist. She definitely did not mean to shame me, and her concern that night elevated my respect for her a thousand times over, but I feel shame.

This week I watched a one hour special on CBS with Gayle King called Justice for All. I cried for that one hour. Even the commercials had me in tears. I pictured Keegan as the young college athlete who was brutally shot or the young man who was on the corner of a street and shot at 41 times, who never so much as had a traffic ticket and finally earned enough money to go to college as his dream was. I pictured Caelyn as the little girl in the commercial who was told she was "pretty for a black girl." I cried for over that one straight hour and I have been crying a lot for some time now and I am sure it is only the beginning.

Maybe this is a much needed awakening of sorts.

This is a conversation our country has to have and that is only the start. This should not be a political issue or a bipartisan one, but rather a human rights issue, a matter of humanity.

I wish I knew what to do to make a difference. How to speak, what to say, to have a bigger platform to be heard. But, for now, we must educate ourselves. Stop with the defensiveness and, as hard as it is, stop with the silence.

This is a hard time for our family in ways that others may not and cannot truly understand. We also acknowledge, it's an even harder time for many others in ways we can't understand. For me, it is an awakening. It is something we have to deal with and our dream is that our family can be a beacon of hope and love for many.

Race Relations: Part I

Race Relations. I’m going there. Even if just briefly. I have to.

There has actually been people messaging my husband that the latest events aren’t really a race issue (in regards to him posting his feelings on the recent events).

“There CANNOT be a moving forward until there is an acknowledgement systemically of the problem.” - Oprah

Even I myself have tried to see “both sides of the story" in headlines of the past. Even I, whose love of my life is a Black Man and whose most precious three children are beautiful Black Human Beings (including a black son). Even I, who has been with my husband through the years when pulled over and car searched for no reason and no probable cause, who a police officer (who thankfully seemed nice enough) came to our honeymoon destination because a neighbor called about a black man entering the house. Even I have tried to placate my husband with “just do as they say and maybe we will show them black people are like them and change their views.” Even I, who knows we cannot just vacation in any community or area throughout our country without thinking it through or move to any town without thinking about the dynamics. Don’t think I don’t thank God every day that we live where we live, even though I still have to preface it with, “because “most” of our town and county is diverse and accepting.” Even I try to not think about it too much, because most people are good.

BUT These last few headlines (Ahmaud Arbery, Christian Cooper, George Floyd) there has been a camera so now you can see it and you can’t pretend that you didn’t see it. You can’t pretend there were justifications of some sort. I can’t pretend anymore either.

I have cried a lot these last weeks.

There are a lot of good people in this world. And more importantly, this country still has a lot of racial divide that needs to be recognized not justified.

Full Out Mini Van Driving Soccer Mom

I know I am far from alone in this crazy world of Soccer Mommin' it, but I can't help but feel if you open up a dictionary and look up Soccer Mom, you will find a picture of me, rocking out to my kids' favorite music on repeat, cruisin' in my mini van.  The ultimate in uncool, but still necessary, mom that even your kids' friends know they can rely on for a snack, to borrow your phone, or even a ride home. On game day you might find me with the bare minimum of a camp chair, keys, phone, and drink of choice (while I have seen it much worse, I keep it legit - coffee or water - for these elementary age field side events) or other times loaded down with my backpack and binder of info ala team manager days, wagon filled with snacks, chairs, team bench(es), and the coveted neck cooling towels.  I like to switch it up.

My kid, who happens to only be nine, can spout off knowledge of the game like the pros. He's been playing since he was three and part of an academy for several years now.  I'm learning there too.  I've even schooled some dads on the logistics of offsides and a build-out line in 7 v 7 games.  I mean, it took me all of last (last) year's season (that's August through May in the travel ball world down here) to begin to grasp it, but I'm getting there.

Being a Soccer Mom is a lot of things.  It's chaotic and exhausting and dirty (um, laundry!) and intense.  But, it's also fun and exciting and relaxing and quality time.  I work a high-stress 9-5 (sometimes well after) job and it is SO NICE to sit at the fields in the evenings and just relax and breath in the fresh air.  It's how I unwind and when we are on a break, I miss it.  Tournaments and games and training and triumphs and losses. All of it. I miss it.  

COVID 19 cut our season short this year.  Two months and four tournaments that will never be made up.  If that's the worst that happens, we consider ourselves lucky, but we can mourn our losses no matter how big or small just the same.  Just this past week the fields were open again and tryouts were held.  Even though our boys got invited back for next year and didn't have to officially tryout, they made sure to attend every session possible. Modifications for social distancing in place and ready to go. To see each other and to have the ball at their feet.  We felt at home.  Not just the players, but the parents as well.  This next year our club, Elite Soccer Academy, will be joining forces with B1 Academy out of Barcelona to form the new B1 USA and we are very excited for this adventure.  There is hope for our world to return to normal at some point.  2020 will be a year to go down in the history books - I am sure once I gather the words, I will put them out there for all to see.  

But for now, I look forward to being that Soccer Mom once again. You'll find me cruisin' down the streets, or in the parking lot looking for a spot, in my mini van with whatever hit music my kids are listening to or the occasional Disney soundtrack or Lionel Richie hit (we like variety!) - See you on the fields!

The "Mom Feels"

Keegan had his first Run Club practice this morning. It was a perfectly beautiful Florida Fall day with temps at 64 degrees (high will be near 80 later today) and he was ready to go!

I know it sounds sooo silly, but I had those "mom feels" this morning... you know, where it's a ball of mixed up feelings in one.

Something so simple like Run Club, yet there I was all

• excited for him
• worried for him (will he be happy, with friends, do good, enjoy it...)
• proud of him
• a little sad that he is somehow this not-so-little boy anymore who can venture out and not need his mom so much

You know, the mixed emotions of the "mom feels".

Photo Cred: Missy K Photography